If you’re feeling like a medieval warrior, suit up. Wear gloves, long sleeves, and goggles—ivy sap can give you a rash worse than poison ivy’s ugly cousin. Start at the bottom of the vine, yank it free, and roll it up like a giant, green boa constrictor. I suggest a soundtrack of dramatic action-movie music.
For thick stems, use a lopper or saw. One guy in Oregon found a trunk as wide as his thigh—that’s not ivy, that’s a tree in disguise. You need patience here: ivy wraps around itself so tightly it can strangle a tree over time. Detach the vines, don’t just cut them halfway, or they’ll send you passive-aggressive shoots next spring.
Pro Tip
After pulling, dispose of the ivy in black plastic bags and send it to the landfill. Do not compost it—ivy is immortal, and your compost pile will become Ivy Disneyland. I’m not joking: in some countries, ivy is listed as an invasive species because it pulls off stunts like that.
