Here’s the truth that will set you free: fruit flies aren’t a sign you’re a slob. They’re a sign you have fruit, and time exists. If you leave a tomato out for three days, you will have fruit flies. It’s a law of the universe, like gravity or the fact that toast always lands butter-side down. They are the universe’s way of saying, “Eat your damn produce faster.”
So next time you see one doing the Cha-Cha Slide over your apple, don’t panic. Pour yourself a glass of wine (but drink it fast, because they want that too). Know that you are not alone—every home on Earth has had this tiny, infuriating houseguest. And if you really want them gone, just remember: vinegar traps work, but only if you also clean the drain with boiling water. Otherwise, you’re just throwing a better party for the next generation.
Now, go check your bananas. I’ll wait.
